2sober4dis

Murphy’s law can kiss my white Irish ass. It seems like every time a sexual encounter pokes its head up in my life, something goes wrong. Oh, you’re about to lose your virginity? NO LUBE JUST SPIT ON IT DRUNKBOY LOL. Oh, your boyfriend wants to try buttstuff? HE’S CATHOLIC AND HIS GUILT IS COCKBLOCKING YOU LOL. Oh, flirtatious boy sexting you?  LOL UR JOKE ABOUT UR BUTT BEING TIGHTER THAN A NUN’S PUSSY IS OFFPUTTING COCKBLOCKEDDDD.

Tonight, after a long sexual drought, a boy agreed to fool around with me. I wasn’t expecting it, so I spent my afternoon as I usually do; watching movies and taking a few milligrams of oxycontin to pass the time. Fun Fact about pain-killers: it also kills boners. So, when this boy came picked me up at my house in the middle of the night, we did the normal teenage thing and drove out to the woods. We parked in the dark behind some trees to avoid being seen by passersby, just like I’ve done every other time I’ve been out to the woods. Things got hot and slobbery, I let my DSLs do their thing, and then my wiener was like “huh lol” so we left it at that. 

So I’m sitting in the back of his car completely undressed, and he’s in the back in just a t-shirt when a car drives by. The bright lights pass, and it looks like it’s going on it’s merry way when it turns around and pulls in behind us. Because I’ve a healthy respect for serious situations, I start laughing that I’m completely nude with what seems to be a cop coming to search us. In my haste to redress, I didn’t bother with putting on my underwear, and left it wadded in my jeans, looking like some fucking tumor on the back of my leg. Bluish light from a flashlight shines through the driver’s side window and a voice tells us to step out of the car to talk, and to bring our driver’s license.

Guess which useless sack of shit didn’t have his driver’s license? THIS GUY.

The nice lady cop asks us what we’re doing out in the woods, and at this point, I’ve forgotten how words work. Luckily, my unlucky cohort managed to spit out that we were just making out. She asks us if we’re drinking or doing drugs, and wide eyed and anxious, we stammered out “nonononononono no drugs. none.” 

She takes down my info to run a search since I don’t have a license, and goes back to her cop tank to wait while her backup officer comes to help search the car. He asks me anxiously if they’re going to find a warrant for my arrest or anything, so I made some small talk about overdue library fees and did my best not to cackle with the most unfortunate laughter.

The nice lady cop’s back up showed up within a few minutes. With backup boy present, NLC started searching our persons. I panicked. I still had a wad of fucking underwear in the back of my goddamn pants. She started out her search of my unlucky cohort by asking if he had anything on him, which he didn’t. She awkwardly patted him down and then asked me the same question. Pie eyed, I told her about the wad of underwear right as she patted it. Like a fucking champ, she was unfazed by it and kept patting my scrawny legs.

Backup boy stood with us while she searched the car. He asked what we’d been doing. By this time, I’d eased up a little bit and just said we were making out. I don’t think he was expecting it, because his eyebrows shot up a bit, but he was cool, and continued making small talk. While the NLC was searching the car, she paused and giggled at the gaudy costumery he had in his car, grinning when she asked what it was.

She finished searching the car and came over to tell us to be careful, and we were lucky it was her that pulled up, and don’t do drugs, and watch out for the guy who lives in the woods he’s not nice, and go on now you crazy kids.

We got in the car, and I just laughed. He wasn’t quite ready to see the humor in it, but I was and I had a good fucking laugh. Our friend, who’d influenced our touching wieners and such, texted me right as we were leaving, asking how things were going. We called her and told her an adrenaline fueled version of what I just typed before he dropped me off at my house, where I at once started typing this fuckery.

What I’m trying to say is everything is the worst and I can’t help but laugh at it, because having everything in my life to go SO wrong makes me want to kill myself and laughing is the only way to dull the pain of nothingness being so awful, y’know????